Everyone has advice on ways to stay healthy. I’m supposed to eat kale, and huff turmeric. I can eat any old potatoes but nothing other than organic strawberries. No more bacon? Puh-leeze. I walk every day, but now I find out I’m supposed to do this at different speeds to keep my body confused.
Well you know what? I’m confused by all these recommendations I’ve seen lately. How am I supposed to do all the suggested bending, and tapping, and pulling, and twisting?
Here’s a hypothetical look at what my day could look like.
This could be an absolute nightmare because of all the time involved.
These are exercises to do before I get out of bed. Now right away I see trouble, because when I stretch my arms over my head, I’m going to hit the headboard, and knock over my glass of water. (Scoot, scoot, scoot.) Okay, I’m in the middle of the bed, but now the woman in the video wants me to pull my knees in and twist to the side. But wait a minute. She’s gripping the sides of the exercise board she’s using. What am I supposed to grip? Hubby’s leg? The cat’s tail?
My yoga instructor says that doing the cat/cow move once I’m out of bed is a good way to warm up and get the circulation going in my back. I decided if I’m going to get down on my rickety knees first thing in the morning, I might as well see if there are any other moves. I found these simple exercises to get me on my way to a happy and productive day.
Child’s pose – that’s easy. And there is cat/cow. Looks like I’m on the right track. Down dog is simple enough, but then it gets a bit more complicated when she wants me to bring my knee to my nose. When I see her do it, I think ‘Geez, don’t smack yourself in the face.’ But of course, I’m never going to get my knee even close to my nose, so yeah, I can do this.
Oh, now she’s just getting ridiculous. She wants me to balance in a crescent lunge, and then bend from side to side? Does she know how old I am??
Okay I’m all limber, and thinking positive thoughts, I’ve got my mojo workin’. But what about internally? What about all those toxins, and all that wine I drank last night. If I get a tablespoon of coconut oil and swish it around in my mouth for 20 minutes, I can cleanse internally.
So before I brush my teeth, or eat or drink anything I need to ‘pull’ for 20 minutes. Now I don’t know about your coconut oil, but mine looks more like Crisco. So am I supposed to let it melt in my mouth? Ewww. One website suggested melting it first. And hopefully it will get runnier than the gloppy spoonful this woman pops in her mouth. And for God’s sake don’t spit that crap out in the sink or you’ll be calling a plumber. And then you’ll be hanging around at home during the 8 – 12 time slot. (And we all know he’s not going to arrive until 11:49.)
I sit at a computer for long periods, so I try to take breaks every 20 minutes to stretch and walk around. But these are only temporary fixes. By lunch time, my back is usually screaming. (Please don’t tell me I’ve got the wrong chair, because for what hubby paid for this monstrosity, it’s going to be in the family for a VERY long time.)
When I heard about tapping, I decided this was the answer to my prayers. Since my back pain is really just tension in the muscles, I figured I could psyche the pain away. As I tap the first pressure point, (the karate chop point) I repeat my mantra ‘Although my back is killing me, I accept myself and how I feel.’
Then I move on to the other pressure points while I vent. Tap, tap, tap . . . ‘I’m feeling all this pain’, tap, tap, tap ‘All this pain is frustrating.’ tap, tap, tap . . . ‘will this fricking pain stop or should I go lie down and watch Ellen?’
I have a 50/50 chance that after enough rounds of tapping, I can get back to writing. Or at least with all that deep breathing, and affirming what a great person I am, I have temporarily forgotten about my pain. But now I’m blocked. I can’t think of how to end the chapter I’m working on. This is when I need . . . TA-DA!
SUPER BRAIN YOGA
According to the report, this is like calisthenics for the brain. Doctors recommend it for seniors, people with Alzheimers, kids in classrooms, even autistic kids. Everyone benefits from stimulating the brain.
Grasping an earlobe in each hand, I squat and breathe. Breathe and squat. It’s only for 3 minutes, so surely I can work this into my schedule. The exercise helps my back, and the ear-lobe pulling is going to make me a genius in no time. (I find that watching cute cat videos helps me pass the time.)
Although I don’t keep my bedroom too hot, or watch TV, or eat a heavy meal, I have a terrible time sleeping. I blame my kids for this. For five years I was awakened 2 to 3 times a night for feedings, and that’s how often I wake up now. Coincidence? I think not.
I sip my Sleepytime tea while reading, I take my melatonin an hour before bedtime, and I NEVER drink. (Well, sometimes I replace the tea with a glass of wine, but I swear it’s only one small glass.)
I decided that if exercising in the morning is a good idea, maybe I should do it at night, too.
First of all, I will NEVER be able to watch this video before I go to bed because the woman’s voice is soooo grating. Better to just jot everything down and keep it on the headboard with my water.
Child’s Pose – yep, did that this morning. And it is definitely a relaxing position. I begin to clear my thoughts.
Seated Forward Bend – Oh, yeah, that feels good on the old back.
Butterfly pose – stimulates and activates your second chakra which is related to your sexual and reproductive . . . wait! WHAT? I’m trying to go to sleep here.
Happy baby – hold for 30 seconds. Oh, right. As soon as hubby sees this, he’s going to be all ‘yeah, I’ll make you my happy baby.’ Which is when I head immediately into—
Corpse pose – I’ll play dead for as long as it takes for him to either turn on a football game, or roll over and go to sleep.